Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
