if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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