Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
