My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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