I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
