yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
