Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
