boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
