i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
