What did we do last night that was yellow?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
