I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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