You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
