I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
