Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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