i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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