We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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