Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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