She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
