mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
