You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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