Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
