OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
