Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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