Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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