dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
