dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
