I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
