I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
