i think my tv is drunk
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
