Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
