dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
