I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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