Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
