so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
