I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
