I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize