but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
