you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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