Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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