of course. lets lasso hookers.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
