just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
