I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
