My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
