Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
