some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I think my fart just growled at me.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
