There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Randomize
