Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
