More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I don't deserve a penis
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
