Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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