My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
my shit smells like andre
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
